The Temperature Also Rises
2007 Selwyn Duke
the issuing of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change report on February
2, waxing climactic about the climatic is the order of the day.
The esteemed, government-funded scientists
with no agenda who rendered the study inform us that man is almost certainly
responsible for rising temperatures and, furthermore, that dramatic climate
change is unstoppable. But, after
seeing various luminaries sound the alarm, I think I can confidently say that,
hell’s bells, we’re darn well gonna try anyway.
it’s about time. We’ve long
known we were going to die unless we stopped spewing that plant-sustaining CO2
into the air. The thing is, though,
my botanical sources tell me the plants are fearful that they’ll die if they
don’t stop spewing that human-sustaining oxygen into the air.
So our task is clear.
must beat the plants.
tired of the lies. I remember when I
was a wee lad in grammar school and they warned us of an upcoming ice age.
That wasn’t as scary as the talk about the killer bees, but why, teach,
oh, why did you hide the truth about melting glaciers, rising oceans and vicious
hurricanes? I suppose the ice age
fiction was less unsettling to young minds.
At least we could look forward to extra snow days.
is why I won’t sit idly by and watch today’s prevarications fobbed off on
the next generation.
you believe I actually heard some craven, callous individuals try to rationalize
away our destruction of the planet with the fancy that weather is cyclical
(1500-year cycles of warming and cooling)? So
thick is the propaganda that now an elaborate fiction has been woven to convince
us that Al Gore, inventor of the Internet, could actually be wrong about global
warming. Why, it just makes you hot
under the collar. Now I’ll share
what I’ve uncovered about the machinations of malevolent manufacturers’
a tale worthy of Hollywood, some “scientists” are peddling a story about a
geological interval occurring between 750 and 600 million years ago, which they
fancifully call the “Cryogenian Period.”
They tell us that during this time the Earth was completely covered by
ice and snow. Moreover, they’d
have us believe there have been numerous ice ages since then, with the last
major one ending about 12,000 years ago and causing glaciers to extend as far
south as Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Outrageously,
their fiction involves the notion that these alleged events were followed by
warming trends that sometimes initiated intervals in which glaciers were
completely absent from our planet, all without industrialization, as if we’d
believe this beautiful blue orb could experience such wrenching changes without
man’s meddlesome hands.
is an insult to our intelligence. We
all know that before the curse of humanity – and especially prior to
industrialization – the Earth was a pacific place, where birds sang and fish
swam and there was love and liberty, serenity and solidarity, and the lion lay
down with the lamb.
with this weather cycle con, we’re also told that between 1550 and 1920 there
was a “Little Ice Age,” a time that saw increased glaciation in the Alps.
We can easily put the lie to this, however, for during part of this
period CO2 levels were rising, yet, we are to believe that temperatures were
it’s also said that there were times when CO2 levels dropped but temperature
increased. It is to laugh.
the government is in on this charade. We
know that anthropogenic glacial melt-off will cause rising sea levels that will
inundate Florida and other low-lying regions, such as the Netherlands (don’t
you realize our inaction could result in the destruction of the prostitution and
drug capital of the world?). So,
right on cue, the National
Park Service claims that during glacial periods Florida’s sea level
was as much as three-hundred feet lower than today, and during the peak of
interglacial ones it was one-hundred feet higher.
This, all without man’s influence?
Poppycock! I bet these
are probably the same people who tell us 98 percent of Renaissance painters were
white males and that the US wasn’t founded by anti-Christian, ACLU lawyers.
I found pro-plant propaganda
being disgorged by the odious Center for Global Food Issues.
These miscreants actually sing the praises of higher CO2 levels and say,
. . a warmer planet has beneficial effects on food production. It results in
longer growing seasons—more sunshine and rainfall—while summertime high
temperatures change little. And a warmer planet means milder winters and fewer
crop-killing frosts. . . . Infrared
satellite readings show that the Earth has been getting greener since 1982,
thanks apparently to increased rainfall and CO2. Worldwide, vegetative activity
generally increased by 6.17 percent between 1982 and 1999—despite extended
cloudiness due to the 1991 eruption of Mount Pinatubo and other well-publicized
environmental stresses. . . . When
dinosaurs walked the earth (about 70 to 130 million years ago), there was from
five to ten times more CO2 in the atmosphere than today. The resulting abundant
plant life allowed the huge creatures to thrive. . . .
Based on nearly 800 scientific observations around the world, a doubling
of CO2 from present levels would improve plant productivity on average by 32
percent across species.
they’re not alone in this subterfuge. The
Center for Policy Analysis carries water for the flora as well,
echoing these sentiments and making the bold claim that a desire for greater
plant yield is why botanists pump CO2 into greenhouses.
Even more astoundingly, this organization states that until just recently
plants might have been suffering from CO2 deprivation.
you see what’s going on? Those
innocuous looking organisms you so lovingly nurture in their pots, as you
provide water, sunlight and fertilizer, have designs on our civilization.
Haven’t you ever watched
the Day of the Triffids? I
tell you, we’re locked in a battle for survival itself with the plants.
not your heart be troubled, though, my friends.
The great teacher, the man who in a way exemplifies vegetative activity,
Al Gore, is on the case with his keen intellect and sage stewardship.
Why, I hear he’s going to make a sequel to An Inconvenient Truth titled
Presidential Aspirations in the Balance, in which he will illustrate the
direness of our predicament by demonstrating how he can fry an organic egg on
his head in Bangor, Maine, at sunrise. Here,
too, though, crafty climatologists muddy the waters, as they claim their
research shows that Earth’s temperature rises an average of half a degree
every time Gore gives a speech.
course, these ardent apologists for industrialization try to put a happy face on
the CO2 molecule, but even they can’t deny that the gas’ levels are rising.
So, lo and behold, they try to sell us the line that it’s the result of
instance, a vile propagandist named Phillip V. Brennan wrote a piece
in which he mentions there is now much more geothermal activity beneath the
ocean floor than scientists had suspected. Ostensibly,
this process heats up the seas, causing them to release more CO2 into the
atmosphere. Brennan even tries to
explain away our more mercurial weather, quoting a colleague who maintains that,
. . it is not global warming that’s causing the oceans to heat, it’s heated
oceans that are warming the globe and setting up a scenario that includes among
its consequences more and increasingly violent hurricanes, tornadoes and
sure, next he’ll tell us tsunamis are caused by underwater earthquakes.
this Brennan character has no credibility. Despite
the fact we know that every scientist agrees with the anthropogenic
global warming thesis, he claims that a petition was signed by,
. . over 18,000 scientists who are totally opposed to the Kyoto Protocol, which
committed the world's leading industrial nations to cut their production of
greenhouse gases from fossil fuels.”
we hear the Earth destroyers’ answer to why our polar ice caps are melting.
out that the ice caps on Mars are probably melting as well, which is
supposed to vindicate the idea that natural cycles are the cause.
there’s something they won’t tell you, information I risk my life by
actually a civilization of greedy little green industrialists on the red planet,
who drive SUVs, heat their saucers with mahogany and teak, smoke fine cigars and
are mean to children and old people. And
the only reason this is kept secret is that free traders want our shores
inundated with their cheap goods, which are brought in through Area 51.
now ask you to compare the dubious claims of the industrial apologists with the
aforementioned facts. I think it
will be clear where the true sanity lies.
truth is, as Mr. Gore would say, inconvenient.
We just don’t want to accept that we’ll have to radically alter our
lifestyles; why, it’s ridiculous to think we can maintain our love affair with
the combustion engine. As Gore told
us in Earth in the Balance, the automobile poses a most grave threat to
mankind. And, no, wise guys, he
didn’t say that because he spent time in a car with Ted Kennedy at the wheel.
I advise you all to follow the lead of French President Jacques Chirac, who
found time between mistresses to warn us that “We are on the historic
threshold of the irreversible,” as he called for a “revolution” to save
mankind. Besides, there is grave
concern that Hillary Clinton’s personality may melt.
for me, I’m going to go out and kill a plant.
Now, what will I wear? Dang,
the weatherman got the forecast wrong again. . . .
Selwyn Duke is a freelance writer out or Larchmont, NY. He has written for various publications including: IntellectualConservative.com, AmericanThinker.com and is a regular columnist for RenewAmerica.us.