Al Gore Opens Mouth, Increases Carbon Footprint
2007 Selwyn Duke
today to COOL-IT (Communists for Only Onerous and Lofty Industrial Taxation) in
Nome, Alaska, former vice-president Al Gore criticized the United States’
failure to adequately address climate change.
Mr. Gore warned of future consequences of inaction while emphasizing that
we have already felt the effects of a lamentably low suicide rate.
Gore mentioned the extinction of species, the melting of the polar ice
caps, and his loss of Florida in the 2000 presidential election.
is a very hot state – even in November. And
members of lower-income socio-economic groups – who are most likely to vote
Democrat – often can’t afford air-conditioning.
Now, if you’re sitting around in a pool of your own sweat drinking
Thunderbird, what are the chances you’ll be motivated to vote on election
Gore then became especially passionate, asserting that this accords with
Republicans’ general disregard for the environment.
Pounding his fist on the finely-crafted mahogany and teak podium, he
Republicans know well about vote suppression through climate manipulation.
It is a fact that for every degree the temperature rises, voter turnout
decreases by 3 percent.”
evidence, Mr. Gore cited a volume of studies and research papers showing that
the temperature in Democrat stronghold Miami-Dade County was higher than in the
more Republican panhandle on election day. “This
cannot be coincidence,” Gore insisted.
his rhetoric, Gore invoked race. Alluding
to his belief that most of the disenfranchised voters were minorities, he
accused white Republicans of engaging in “. . . a systematic, apocalyptic
climate war against blacks.”
called this plan “Helter Swelter.”
applause from COOL-IT was robust, attendees seemed to grow increasingly
uncomfortable with each passing word, shifting in their seats, sweating
profusely, intermittently fanning themselves, and undoing the buttons of their
the Nobel Prize winner is often accused of being aloof and scripted, Gore took
note of the discomfort and used it as a teaching moment.
just tells us that no one, no matter how educated, rich or well-connected in the
party, is immune from the effects of climate change,” said Gore.
“It’s so bad that, honestly, it just seems like every time Tipper and
I talk, she complains how the house is way too hot.”
as if mimicking the temperature, the audience rose to their feet and gave Mr.
Gore a standing ovation for his most effective line of the evening.
feel your heat,” said Gore.
energized by the crowd, Mr. Gore expanded on his election thesis, stating there
was “no doubt” in his mind that he would be president today if only the
world were a colder place. He
further stated that if he had been living during the Cryogenian Period, he would
have been king of the world.
seemingly lost in thought, Mr. Gore stared blankly into space and plaintively
opined, “Then they’d be dating time from my birth.”
comment seemed confusing and disturbing to the audience and drew the most tepid
response of the symposium.
Mr. Gore quickly got back on track, and the audience once again warmed to him as
he returned to the issue of environmental destruction perpetrated by the
Republicans, big business and the John Birch Society.
especially shone when he exhibited his vast knowledge of the science of climate
change. Addressing the fact that
icecaps on Mars are melting as well and temperatures on Pluto have also been
rising, Mr. Gore said,
just underscores how the Bush administration is bent on destroying not just the
ecosystem of the Earth, but of the whole Universe.”
former vice-president did not take questions after his speech, but defended
himself when approached by reporters after the event and asked to respond to
deniers who question his motivations and credentials.
Mr. Gore emphasized his long history of combating rising temperatures.
I was a boy, I was always the first one to run to the Good Humor truck, and my
favorite comic book character was Mr. Freeze.
And, really, I was never a beach person,” said Gore.
“Just ask anyone who knew me back then – anyone.
They’ll all say that if Al could be described in one word, it would be
Selwyn Duke is a freelance writer out or Larchmont, NY. He has written for various publications including: IntellectualConservative.com, AmericanThinker.com and is a regular columnist for RenewAmerica.us.